Family Constellations reveal deeply hidden dynamics within family systems. As we saw in our previous discussion, in Family Constellation theory, psychological states, feelings, and illness are often seen as disturbances in the individual's family system. During the process volunteers are asked to "represent" individuals from a family system. Representatives do not know whom they are representing in the family, yet they manifest them often in great detail and help to reveal what is really happening.
"Bert Hellinger", the founder of this therapy, saw consistent patterns that led to specific disturbances. He eventually called one set of patterns
"the Orders of Love." He believes that love requires particular kinds of arrangements and movements to be completely given and received "for a healthy and satisfying life." (1) The following is very brief and condensed overview of some of these patterns.
In the first Order of Love a healthy dynamic occurs when children accept their parents and the gift of life as they are without reservations, with all that goes with it. Our parents and the life they gave us is a fact, it is not negotiable and cannot be altered. When we fight against this notion we don't really accept the whole of life and we can never be complete. Setting up a constellation where clients can choose to accept their parents can be a very important movement.
"Our parents are the only possible ones for us. Imagining anything else to be possible is an illusion." (1)
In the second Order of Love, children need to take what their parents gave, (in addition to life), as being enough. When we believe that we did not get what we needed from our parents, we never really separate from them; we continue to hold-on and cannot stand as unique beings. In accepting what they gave as sufficient we are free to live ours lives without being dependent on them. If not:
"These "children cannot separate from their parents. Their accusations and demands tie them to their parents so that, although they are bound to their parents, the children have no parents. They then feel empty, needy and weak." (1)
In the third Order of Love Hellinger saw that children would often try to carry the guilt of their parents (or parent) out of love. This also creates an unhealthy connection to parents that deprives the child of a full and healthy life. In these cases constellations can be set up that allow the client to give back what belongs to the parent and accept that the parents will take care of their own problems.
The fourth Order of Love is closely related to the third. In this pattern children may feel that are as big as their parents or bigger. They may try to fix something that the parent is unable to address or acknowledge. Only by being smaller than our parents can we receive from them. The flow of love must go forward. In turn we pass along what is given to us.
"Between parents and children, reciprocity in giving and taking is achieved by giving on to others what has been taken. It makes parents very happy when children say, "I take everything you give, and when I'm big, I'll pass it on." (1)
The next Order of Love is about the larger family. Hellinger believes that in this pattern all family members have an equal right to belong. He believes each family has a conscience at a deep level of the system. This conscience does not tolerate a member being excluded, shunned or forgotten. To correct this imbalance younger members of the family system are likely to identify with the missing family member. This is a frequent element in constellations.
"Much serious dysfunction in families-behavioural disturbances in children, but also illnesses, proneness to accidents and suicidal behaviour-occur when children unconsciously represent an excluded person and seek to satisfy that person's need for restitution." (1)
Younger family members can be released from an entanglement with a missing family member by creating a constellation in which the excluded member is recognized and restored to their proper place in the family. At the same time the representative for the younger family member can be encouraged to let go of the identification and the responsibility that is clearly not their own.
My own experience as a constellation representative and future facilitator is that some aspect of these orders are found in most constellations as they unfold. There are variations and some differences based on culture, nationality and the particular fate of each family. Addressing the proper flow of love in family systems is very healing and powerful way of finding our place in the world.
"In our next installment I will continue our discussion of the Orders of Love and additional elements of Family Constellation Therapy.
--Barry Krost, Massage Therapist, Bodyworker, and Energy Healer is training to be a Constellation facilitator.
(1) Bert Hellinger, How Love Works, http://www.hellinger.com/international/english/hellinger_lectures_articles/how_love_works.shtml#order
